Bumper Stickers
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- Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
- Flying is the 2nd greatest thrill known to man, landing is the 1st.
- Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.
- Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first!
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
- FORD - Fast Only Rolling Downhill.
- FORD - First On Race Day.
- FORD - Fix Or Repair Daily.
- FORD - Found On Road, Dead.
- FORD - Found On Rubbish Dump.
- FOREPLOY (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
- Forget the bull .. Ride the Cowboy.
- Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
- Friends don't let friends drive naked
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
- Geezer, formerly known as Studmuffin.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- Give blood, play Hockey.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- GM - General Maintenance.
- GMC - Garage Man's Companion.
- Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
- God is my copilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
- God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
- God must love stupid people, he made so many.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
- Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- GRANTARTICA (n.) The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.
- Grow your own dope, plant a man
- Gun control is a tight grouping.
- Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
- GUYS: No shirt, no service GALS: No shirt, no charge
- Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
- HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
- Hang in there. Retirement is only 30 years away.
- Hang up and drive.
- Happiness is a belt fed weapon
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
- Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
- He has a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- He has a room temperature IQ.
- He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- He who laughs last - thinks slowest
- He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
- He's a prime candidate for natural deselection.
- He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
- Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
- Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
- Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
- Help! I've fallen and I can't reach my beer.
- HEMAGLOBE (n.) The bloody state of the world.
- Hey you! Get out of the gene pool!
- Hey, your karma just ran over my dogma.
- His gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- HONDA - Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
- Honk If Anything Falls Off
- Honk If You Want To See My Finger
- Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
- Horn broken, watch for finger.
- Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
- HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
- Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
- How can there be self-help groups?
- How come abbreviated is such a long word?
- How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
- How come you never hear about _gruntled_ employees?
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
- How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
- How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
- How do you know when you are out of invisible ink?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...
- How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
- How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
- How the hell did I get this old?
- HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
- HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?
- HYUNDAI - Hysterical Young Under-aged Driver At Intersection
- I act this way to make you nuts.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
- I am a .signature, and I want to be your friend
- I am out of estrogen and I have a gun.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- I brake for Blondes, Brunettes and Redheads.
- I can fix anything. Where's the duct tape?
- I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day,
tommorrow doesn't look good either.
- I could get a new lease on life but I need the first and last month in advance.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- I disclaim my disclaimer!
- I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
- I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- I fish! Therefore, I lie.
- I hate laundry month.
- I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
- I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
- I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- I keep missing my Ex.... but my aim is improving.
- I know I have a purpose because I always seem to need deodorant.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
- I lost my emotional baggage on my last flight of fantasy
- I love cats - they taste just like chicken
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
- I love my country! Its the politicians I don't like or trust.
- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
- I may be slow...but I'm ahead of you!
- I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
- I only drink beer on days that end in y.
- IOWA - Idiots Out Wandering Around
- I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go
- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
- I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
- I used to be schizophrenic but we're okay now.
- I used to get high on life, but lately I've built up a resistance.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything
- I want to die quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming in terror, like his passengers.
- I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpos?
- I went to the Net and all I got was this stupid tagline.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy.
- I'm against animal testing. They just get nervous and give wrong answers.
- I'm an imbecile and I vote
- I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
- I'm multi-talented, I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
- I'm on a drinking team with a bowling problem.
- I'm one of those bad people that happen to good people.
- I'm retired, but I work part-time spoiling my grandkids.
- I'm the person your mother warned you about.
- I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
- I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Idiot; n, a member of a large and very powerful group whose influence over society is dominant.
- If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
- If a man yells in the woods and no women hears him, is he still wrong?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
- If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
- If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don't succeed, everyone will tell you why.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
- If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
- If everything is coming your way, then you're are in the wrong lane.
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
- If it has tits or wheels, Its gonna give you problems.
- If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
- If it sticks, it must be stuck.
- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
- If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- If its mechanical and I am not bleeding, I must not be working very hard.
- If laws were outlawed, only outlaws would be lawyers.
- If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of live, then let's all get waster together and have the time of our lives.
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? congress?
- If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- If the Broncos aren't Gods team, then why did he make sunsets orange?
- If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
- If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
- If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage to your rod will go wrong first.
- If there is a really bad time for something to go wrong, that's when it will happen.
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
- If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
- If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you build your rod to please everybody, no one will like it, especially you.
- If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
- If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
- If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a jeep)
- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
- If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
- If You Don't Like My Driving, Stay Off The Sidewalk!
- If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
- If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
- If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
- If you must choose between two evils, choose the one you've never tried before.
- If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
- If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
- If you stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
- If you think my attitude stinks, you smell my underwear.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!
- If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
- If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
- If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
- Illiterate? Write For Help
- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
- Impeach Clinton, and her husband.
- Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
- In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- INTAXICATION (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
- Interchangable parts - won't.
- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
- Isn't it nice that wrinkles don't hurt.
- Isn't the best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut?
- It ain't much, But It's mine
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
- It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
- It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
- It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
- It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
- Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
- JEEP - Just Empty Every Pocket.
- Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
- Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole
- Jesus saves! But wouldn't it have been better if he would have invested.
- JESUS SAVES…Esposito scores on the rebound
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Last Update: 12/18/07
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George Carnut McDowell
est. 1996