- What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
- What if the Hokey-Pokey is really what it's all about?
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
- What is the speed of dark?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
- What's another word for synonym?
- What's another word for thesaurus?
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
- When building a rod everything always takes longer than you think.
- When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
- When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- When flying a thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
- When flying any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
- When flying keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
- When flying the only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
- When flying the probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
- When flying try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
- When flying, if you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)
- When flying, it's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
- When flying, speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
- When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
- When in doubt - throw money at it.
- When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
- When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
- When the going gets tough, upgrade.
- When the people fear the government there is tyanny. When the government fears the people, there is liberty. Thomas Jefferson
- When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss??
- When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
- When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify' I put 'DOCTOR'.
- Whenever you set out to work on your rod,
your wife will always find something else that you must do first.
- Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
- Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
- Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
- Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
- WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
- Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
- Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
- Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of "asteroids"?
- Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
- Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
- Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
- Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
- Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
- Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
- Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
- Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
- Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
- Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
- Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
- Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
- Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
- Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
- Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
- Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
- Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? (Think about it for a while!?
- Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
- Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
- Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
- Why is the alphabet in that order?
- Why is the word abbreviation so long?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- Windows tip #248: add BUGS=OFF to your registry.
- Wink, I'll do the rest!
- WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
- Women always have the last word in an argument, if a man says anything else it's the start of another argument.
- Women will never be equal to men until than can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- Work harder Millions of people on Welfare depend on you!
- Work isn't just for sleeping anymore.
- Worry about your own damn family!
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Yeh, though I walk thru the valley of death, I fear no evil,
for I am the meanest mutha in the valley.
- Yes. This is my pickup. No. I won't help you move.
- You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
- You are too close for missiles, switching to guns
- You better buy me another drink... you're still ugly.
- You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- You have the right to remain silent, so shut up.
- You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonderwhat else you can do while you're down there.
- You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
- You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
- You'll always get notified that the part you've been patiently waiting for is permanently out of stock the day after you could have bought one at the swap meet.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- You're never too old to learn something stupid.
- You're the reason I'm medicated.
- Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?
- Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
- Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
- Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot!
- Your proctologist called, they found your head.
- Your ridiculous opinion has been noted.
- Your village called, their idiot is missing.
- ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.
You know you have serious horsepower when:
- The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
- You can't drive your car in the rain.
- Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
- You are afraid to drive your car.
- You spend more on tires than on food.
- You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
- You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
- You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
- You have to go to the track to buy gas.
- Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
- Bobby Labonte and Dale Jarrett wave you by.
- You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
- You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
- Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
- You arrive somewhere before you left.
- You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
- You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
- You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
- You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
- Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
- You need parachute braking.
- Your 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
- There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
- Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened.
- Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car.
- Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
- You carry earplugs in your car.
- The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield.
- You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
- You spend more time on two wheels than most people spend over 55mph.
- You watch the gas guage go down visibly as you cruise along the highway.
- The guys down at the informal strip won't run against you without a 10 second lead.
Track Tips for the Racing Novice
- Racing isn't dangerous: Crashing is dangerous.
- It is better to be spectating and wishing you were out there, than out there and wishing you were spectating.
- Learn from the mistakes of others; you will never live long enough to make all of them yourself.
- To win, you must first finish; to finish, you must first start. To start, you must first spend an inordinate amount of time and money.
- Drive your own race. Others will be all too happy to tell you what you did wrong.
- Every driver knows the 3 simple tricks for winning races; ask your closest competitors to share theirs.
- An oversteering car generates higher slip angles at the rear than the front. Keep all slip angles under 360 degrees.
- Wear a full-face helmet. It will be easier to hide your fear.
- Choose a close-fitting racing seat. Do not get it brown.
- Wear ear plugs; they muffle the jeers and catcalls of spectators.
- Good judgement comes from experience; unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgement.
- Wave to corner workers. They will doubtless be talking about you on their radios, and it will easier for them to refer to you as "the idiot who is waving."
- Obey All Flags:
Green: "All Clear" - You are free to retire from the event at your convenience.
Yellow: "Danger" - Be alert and do not allow the faster cars behind to pass you.
Yellow/Red Stripes: "Surface" flag (see #7 above, "Slip Angles")
White: "Emergency Vehicle On Course" - One lap to go before he passes you.
Blue/Yellow Stripe: "Mirror" flag - A faster competitor is closing; watch your mirrors and be prepared to block.
Black: "AwShit" flag - You have committed the unconscionable; come in immediately to re-take the written exam.
Black/Orange circle: "Meatball" - Mechanical black flag. You have been disqualified for your illegal cam lobes.
Red:Proceed at a pace fast enough to beat everyone left with four corners on their car to the nearest shade tree
Checker: Wave to the corner workers, you idiot!
- Be gracious in defeat, and less than insufferably arrogant in victory.
- Remove your arm restraints before the trophy presentation.
- And remember, it is OK to start racing with an empty bag of experience if you also have a bag full of luck. Fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Things you would never know without the movies:
- During most police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a smoke-filled strip club at least once.
- When they are alone, all foreigners generally prefer to speak English to one another.
- If being chased through town, you can almost always take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade or a nearby Italian street festival.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to armpit level for a women but only waist level for the man lying beside her.
- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective -- or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- All grocery bags contain at least one baguette.
- It's not easy but certainly do-able for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone with a calm, soothing voice to talk you down over the radio.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place -- no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from most any window in Paris.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home, or speaking of some plan to buy a house or complete your education.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language -- a German accent will do.
- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always cover the exact fare plus tip.
- The Chief of Police is always black.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- If staying in a haunted house, women must always investigate strange noises by walking slowly in their direction. The possibility that said noises might constitute some physical threat never figures into the equation.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- Cars that drop off the side of the road will almost always burst into flames.
- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
- Colorful supporting characters in melodramas always have yellowish or greenish-black teeth, with silver or gold fillings.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and glare -- wide-eyed, open-mouthed -- at the camera lens.
- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye or even grunt with familiarity when beginning or ending phone conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel sharply from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can usually solve a case only once he has been suspended from duty or discredited for having made an error that cost the life of a fellow policeman.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.
- You can always find a chain saw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.