31 Ford Model A Coupe Hot Rod 31 Ford Model A Coupe Hot Rod
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  1. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
  2. Just 'cause it's clean don't mean it's fresh.
  3. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
  4. Just say no! To sex with pro-lifers.
  5. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
  6. Keep honking, I'm reloading.
  7. KINSTIRPATION (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
  8. Knock firmly but softly. I like soft firm knockers.
  9. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  10. Lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on my part.
  11. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) v. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.
  12. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
  13. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
  14. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
  15. Leakproof seals - will.
  16. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  17. Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
  18. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
    Especially when you're on a road trip.
  19. Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
  20. Life is like a box of chocolates... You never know what your gonna get.
  21. Life is like a snowstorm... You run into a lot of Flakes.
  22. Life isn't like a box of chocolates... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
  23. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
  24. Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
  25. Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women.
  26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  27. Lord give me the strength to put up with the people who are going to piss me off today.
  28. Lord save me from your followers.
  29. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  30. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  31. Love: the word that paints a thousand pictures.
  32. LULLABUOY (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
  33. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  34. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  35. Make love, not war. Do both, GET MARRIED.
  36. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  37. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
  38. Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.
  39. MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.
  40. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
  41. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
  42. Men are proof that women can take a joke.
  43. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
  44. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  45. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
  46. Minivans are tangible evidence of Evil.
  47. Monday thru Friday my body is a temple, on weekends it's an amusement park.
  48. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  49. Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
  50. Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
  51. Moody Bitch seeks kind, considerate guy for love hate relationship.
  52. Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse.
  53. Mother nature is a bitch. And thats on good days.
  54. Mr. Bullfrog sez: Time is fun when you're having flies.
  55. Mr. Worf! Eating Christmas Cookies, on my bridge?
  56. Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
  57. Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
  58. My computer NEVER cras
  59. My Go this arn keyboar oesn't have any 's.
  60. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
  61. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
  62. My kid had sex with your honor student.
  63. My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
  64. My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
  65. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
  66. My opinions are not those of my ex-employer.
  67. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or somethinglike that.
  68. My wife took the dog and ran off with my best friend, sure gonna miss that dog.
  69. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
  70. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
  71. Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
  72. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
  73. Never call a man a fool. Instead, borrow from him.
  74. Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.
  75. Never eat prunes when you're famished.
  76. Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
  77. Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.
  78. Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
  79. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  80. Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
  81. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
  82. Never smack a man who's chewing.
  83. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  84. No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway
  85. Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.
  86. Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
  87. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  88. Not the brightest crayon in the box now are we?
  89. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  90. Nothing about street rodding is as easy as it looks.
  91. Nuke the Whales.
  92. Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the 'first' time.
  93. Of course I support "Freedom of Speech". I also support my right to not pay attention to fools.
  94. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  95. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
  96. Old florists never die, they just make other arrangements.
  97. Old pilots never die, they just go on to a new plane.
  98. Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
  99. OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
  100. OLDSMOBILE - Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment.
  101. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  102. One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
  103. One neuron short of a synapse.
  104. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
  105. Only the paranoid survive.
  106. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
  107. Out of a job yet? Keep Buying Foreign.
  108. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
  109. OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
  110. Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.
  111. Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.
  112. Pardon me, waiter. I like my water diluted.
  113. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
  114. PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals.
  115. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
  116. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
  117. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
  118. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
  119. Photocopier; n, the place where you sit while taking pictures of the moon.
  120. Pilots are just plane people with a special air about them.
  121. Plagiarism saves time.
  122. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  123. Please Lord, let me be half the person my dog thinks I am!
  124. Please tell your pants its not polite to point!
  125. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
  126. Politics: n. from Greek; "poli"-many; "tics"-ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
  127. Practice safe sex; Go screw yourself
  128. Professor; n, One who talks in someone else's sleep.
  129. Protected by Smith & Wesson
  130. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
  131. PUPKUS (pup kus') n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses it's nose to it.
  132. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  133. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
  134. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
  135. Real men don't ask for directions.
  136. Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
  137. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
  138. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
  139. Remember when sex was safe and Hot Rods were dangerous?
  140. Remember, as crabby as I may be, I am always holding back.
  141. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  142. Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
  143. Retired and spending my kids inheritance
  144. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
  145. Rome wasn't built in a day... That's because it was a government job.
  146. SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back.
  147. Save a tree - eat a beaver
  148. Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.
  149. Save the Whales......Collect the whole set!!
  150. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
  151. Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date!
  152. Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
  153. Sex is like Air, It's not really that important until you're not getting any.
  154. Science without Religion is lame, Religion without Science is blind.
  155. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  156. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
  157. Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.
  158. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
  159. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  160. Smile, it confuses People.
  161. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  162. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
  163. Snatch a kiss or vice versa.
  164. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
  165. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
  166. So, if the fundamental particle of charge is the electron, is the fundamental particle of stupidity the moron?
  167. Software is like sausage, it's best not to know how it was produced.
  168. Some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.
  169. Some days you're the windshield. Some days you're the bug.
  170. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
  171. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  172. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."
  173. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  174. Son, I was flying airplanes for a living when you were still a sparkle in your daddys eye.
  175. Son, if all I had to drive was that car, I'd park it and take the bus.
  176. Still playing with cars, after all these years!
  177. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
  178. STOP TALKING! I'm out of aspirin.
  179. Stupidity should be painful.
  180. Succeed in spite of management.
  181. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view of all your rodding buddies.
  182. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
  183. Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
  184. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
  185. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
  186. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
  187. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
  188. Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself out of the market.
  189. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
  190. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, when you're only six inches away.
  191. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
  192. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it?
  193. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
  194. The ARMY said I am all I can be!
  195. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  196. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
  197. The day you finish your street rod
    another project car will show up at your doorstep.
  198. The definition of Manic depressive is Easy Glum, Easy Glow.
  199. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  200. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
  201. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
  202. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
  203. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  204. The glass is half full--and what's in it has gone rancid.
  205. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  206. The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.
  207. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
  208. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
  209. The light went out, but where to?
  210. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  211. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
  212. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
  213. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  214. The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
  215. The only tools one needs in life: WD-40 to make things go and duct tape to make them stop.
  216. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no life guard.
  217. The proctologist called...they found your head.
  218. The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
  219. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
  220. The Schizophrenic. An unauthorized autobiography
  221. The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
  222. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  223. The sex was so good - even the neighbors had a cigarette
  224. The shortest sentence is 'I Am'. The longest is 'I Do'.
  225. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
  226. The trouble with fool-proof systems is that fools are so damned ingenious!
  227. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until got married; and then it was too late."
  228. There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
  229. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
  230. There are two sides to every divorce, mine and shithead's.
  231. There are two theories on arguing with women. Neither of them work.
  232. There is no such thing as a simple change, or a cheap fix.
  233. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
  234. There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
  235. There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
  236. These are only my opinions. You should see my convictions.
  237. They say that if you have an infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of keyboards for an infinite amount of time, you will get the collected works of Shakespeare,
    for the source code of Microsoft Windows, just add more monkeys.
  238. Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.
  239. Think you have problems? My sundial is running slow.
  240. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
  241. Those who can - do, Those who can't - teach, Those who can't teach - manage.
  242. Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.
  243. Time flys when you are in a coma.
  244. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
  245. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
  246. Time spent flying is not deducted from one's lifespan.
  247. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
  248. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
  249. To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
  250. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
  251. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  252. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
  253. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
  254. TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.
  255. Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
  256. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
  257. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
  258. Twenty minutes in a WalMart is all the proof needed that *if* there is a God, he's got a *sick* sense of humor.
  259. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  260. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an Airplane
  261. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
  262. Under the Democrats, man exploits man.
    Under the Republicans its the other way around.
  263. Unless you are naked, don't touch this car!
  264. Unless you're a hemorrhoid, GET OFF MY ASS!
  265. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  266. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  267. VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.
  268. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  269. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
  270. WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
  271. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
  272. Warning! I have an attitude and know how to use it.
  273. We are born naked, wet, and hungry...Then things get worse.
  274. We are Microsoft, resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
  275. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart??
  276. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  277. We put the "k" in kwality.
  278. We waste more time by 8 AM than other companies do all day.
  279. We waste time so you don't have to.
  280. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  281. Welcome to America...now speak English
  282. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

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George Carnut McDowell
carnut@carnut.com
est. 1996