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  1. (seen on the back of a biker's T-shirt) If you can read this, the bitch fell off...
  2. (seen on the back of a biker's vest) If you can read this, my wife fell off...
  3. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
  4. 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
  5. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
  6. 2 rules to success in life. 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
  7. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
  8. 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
  9. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  10. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
  11. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  12. A $1000 stereo will protect a $.20 fuse by blowing first.
  13. A bad day fishing is still better than a good day working.
  14. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
  15. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  16. A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.
  17. A bus staion is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk is a work station.
  18. A clear conscience is usually a sign of a poor memory.
  19. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
  20. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
  21. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  22. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  23. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
  24. A day without sunshine is like night.
  25. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  26. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  27. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
  28. A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
  29. A fool and his money are soon partying.
  30. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  31. A hangover: the wrath of grapes.
  32. A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion.
  33. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
  34. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.
  35. A little Gray Hair is a small price to pay for this much Wisdom.
  36. A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
  37. A man places an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
  38. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
  39. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass...
  40. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
  41. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
  42. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
  43. A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
  44. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
  45. A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
  46. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
  47. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
  48. A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
  49. A)bort R)etry I)nfluence with large hammer.
  50. Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
  51. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
  52. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
  53. After all is said and done, usually more is said.
  54. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
  55. After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
  56. After things go from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat.
  57. Agenda for the day, let dog in, let dog out, let dog in, let dog out, let dog in.
  58. Aim low...reach your goals...avoid disappointment.
  59. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
  60. All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
  61. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
  62. All men are idiots...I married their king.
  63. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  64. Always drink upstream from the herd.
  65. Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  66. Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
  67. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is but it's critical to know what it was.
  68. Always try to be modest and be proud of it.
  69. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  70. An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
  71. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
  72. An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
  73. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
  74. Answer: Eight. Twelve if the light bulb is cross-threaded.
  75. Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
  76. Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
  77. Any tool dropped while repairing your rod will roll underneath to the exact center of the car.
  78. Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
  79. Anyone can restore a car, it takes a real man to cut one up.
  80. Anyplace you wake up on top of the dirt, is a good place to be.
  81. Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry up is not nailed down.
  82. Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
  83. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
  84. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).
  85. ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
  86. Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
  87. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
  88. Aruba: Not Just Any Criminal Will Do.
  89. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit
  90. Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.
  91. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  92. At the feast of Ego, everyone leaves hungry.
  93. Atheism is a non-prophet organization
  94. AUDI - Accelerates Under Demonic Influence.
  95. AUDI - All Un-informed Drivers Insulted.
  96. AUDI - All Unnecessary Devices Installed.
  97. AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented.
  98. "Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy"
  99. Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
  100. Ax me about Ebonics
  101. Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
  102. Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
  103. Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
  104. Ban the bomb! Save the world for conventional warfare.
  105. Baroque: When you are out of Monet.
  106. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
  107. Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
  108. Be nice to your kids... they'll choose your nursing home.
  109. Bear in mind that a man does not have to be a bigamist to have one wife too many.
  110. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
  111. Beauty is only a light switch away.
  112. BEELZEBUG (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  113. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
  114. Beer is proof that God Loves us and wants us to be happy.
  115. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
  116. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  117. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  118. Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
  119. Best diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it.
  120. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  121. Black holes are where God divided by zero.
  122. Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
  123. BMW - Big Money Works.
  124. BMW - Bought My Wife.
  125. BMW - Brutal Money Waster,
  126. Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
  127. Boldly Going Nowhere
  128. Born again pagan.
  129. Born free... taxed to death.
  130. Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
  131. Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
  132. Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
  133. BOZONE (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  134. Bright as Alaska in December.
  135. Broad-mindedness; n, the result of flattening high-mindedness out.
  136. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  137. Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS
  138. BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer.
  139. Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways.
  140. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
  141. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
  142. California raisins murdered! Cereal killer suspected.
  143. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
  144. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
  145. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
  146. CASHTRATION (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
  147. CATERPALLOR (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
  148. Cats - the other white meat
  149. CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
  150. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  151. Chaos, Panic, Disorder, my work here is done!
  152. CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips.
  153. CHEVROLET - Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time.
  154. Children are often spoiled cause nobody will spank Grandma!
  155. Cigarette; n, A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.
  156. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
  157. Clones are people, two
  158. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
  159. COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
  160. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
  161. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  162. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
  163. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
  164. Corruption Is Natures Way Of Restoring Faith In Democracy.
  165. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your rear end?
  166. Cover me - I'm changing lanes
  167. Cowboy foreplay - Git in the pickup!
  168. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
  169. Dam right I'm good in bed! I can sleep for days!
  170. Dance - The vertical expression of horizontal desire.
  171. Dear Lord, if you can't make me skinny, please make my friends Fat.
  172. Death to all fanatics.
  173. DECAFLON (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  174. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
  175. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
  176. Did you know that beating your head against the wall uses 150 calories an hour?
  177. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
  178. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you can find a big rock.
  179. DISCONFECT (dis kon fect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.
  180. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
  181. Do fish get cramps after eating?
  182. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
  183. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
  184. DO not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  185. DO NOT wash this car! It is undergoing a scientific dirt test
  186. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
  187. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
  188. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  189. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
  190. Do you want to talk to the man in charge, or the woman who knows what's going on?
  191. DODGE - Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater.
  192. DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere.
  193. Does fuzzy logic tickle?.
  194. Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
  195. Does Time pass? Yes, it does. How else can you explain Visa bills?
  196. Doing the job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong 14 times gives you job security.
  197. Don't annoy the crazy person.
  198. Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
  199. Don't be Stupid, we have Politicions for that.
  200. Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  201. Don't follow me, I'm lost.
  202. Don't get even -- get odd! :
  203. Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
  204. Don't laugh, it's paid for.
  205. Don't laugh, your daughter might be in this car.
  206. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
  207. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
  208. DON'T STEAL! The IRS dosen't like the competition.
  209. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  210. Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?
  211. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
  212. DOPELAR EFFECT (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
  213. Dosen't play well with others.
  214. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
  215. Driver carries no cash! He's married.
  216. Drugs lead nowhere, but it's the scenic route.
  217. Dynamic linking error: Your mistake is now everywhere.
  218. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
  219. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
  220. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
  221. EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later.
  222. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
  223. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  224. Earth was interesting, and worth the money I paid for it.
  225. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
  226. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
  227. Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
  228. ECNALUBMA (ek na leb' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear view mirror.
  229. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.
  230. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
  231. ELBONICS (el bon icks') n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
  232. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
  233. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
  234. Eleven tons of hair stolen. Police combing area.
  235. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  236. Entropy isn't what it used to be
  237. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
  238. ESCHEW OBFUSCATION. (means avoid confusion/overcomplication)
  239. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
  240. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  241. Every solution breeds new problems and every problem costs money.
  242. Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
  243. Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
  244. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  245. Everyone is born lefthanded, you turn righthanded after you commit your first sin.
  246. Everyone should believe in something, I believe I'll have another Beer.
  247. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  248. EXTRATERRESTAURANT (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.
  249. Fail-safe systems tend not to fail safe.
  250. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
  251. FAUNACATED (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence FAUNACATERING (n.), which has made a meal of many species.
  252. Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.
  253. Fell out of the family tree.
  254. Few women admit their age, few men act it.
  255. FIAT - Feeble Italians Attempt Transportation.
  256. FIAT - Fix It Again, Tony.
  257. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
  258. Fight Organized Crime: Re-elect no one.
  259. Finger me, I have a .plan...
  260. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
  261. First Law of Economics: You can't sell product to people without money.
  262. FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
  263. FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count, then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
  264. FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait 'till you see us drive.
  265. FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.
  266. FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
  267. FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again and again!
  268. FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
  269. FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
  270. FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.
  271. FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

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George Carnut McDowell
carnut@carnut.com
est. 1996